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5 things.

Day 1

5 ways to win your heart.

Buy me chocolate – I like to think I’m not one for material gifts but the truth is i love them, i just don’t like to ask, actually I don’t know how to ask.

Buy me food too and alcohol (not the hard stuff, stuff that is sweet, you should know I have a sweet tooth). Help me figure out the best drink that goes with chocolate, I’d tell you a glass of milk but you’re welcome to try and convince me otherwise.

Hold my hands – just hold me, a lot, I say I hate to be touched but I never complete the sentence —I don’t like to be touched by just anyone, I’d have to have given you permission to come into my personal space before you can do that.

Let me take photos of you – you should let me take photos of us both to look at when I start to miss you and realize I’m falling for you.

I’m not a big fan of photos but I have to admit I’m vain and I look better in photos I take by myself. So yh, let me take photos of us both.

Listen to me – actually talk to me, I’d love to just listen to you go on and on, chances are I’ll record you talking to me, so I can listen to you talk when I need to talk to you but you’re asleep.

There will be times when I will break down —I do that a lot (break down, that is) and I need someone to just listen to me, I don’t even need you to offer help, 9 out of 10 times I know what I want, I just need someone to listen.

Send me stuff – stuff you’ve written, you can slip it into an envelope and leave it where I’ll find it, tell me how much you appreciate me and how I’m your blessing —I have an inferiority complex, you’ll have to convince me that you’re not settling, I will probably not imply it until you catch me crying by 2am. Send me songs so I know you think about me when I’m not with you, send me photos that remind you of me, just send me… anything.

I’m a pretty simple person.

That’s 5.

Everyday

Everyday I get the urge to write you something.

Everyday I say no

Not because I don’t want to

It’s because I want you,

I’m afraid that when I do, you see the love in between the lines,

You’ve always been one to pay attention to details.

Everyday I get the urge to write you something,

Everyday I say no,

I sit on my palms, throw out my pens.

Then a message from you comes in

And I write to you, against my better judgement.

Now, you don’t see the love, even when I spell it out; you don’t believe me.

You’re paying attention to details,

But it’s the wrong ones.

Everyday I get the urge to write you something,

Everyday I say no,

I can’t separate my love for you from my love for your body.

In my head, I see you a lot.

In my head, I know what I want to do with you.

In my head, I know what I want to do to you.

I open my eyes, I try to ignore the urge, but everyday,

I still think of you.

Everyday I get the urge to write you something

Today I say yes,

Today I pour my cravings on paper

Swirl them about until they no longer make sense.

I put them in words to convince you of my need.

Today I write you something,

Open, yielding, guards down,

I write to tell you,

I think I love you.

Forever

How long did it take you to stop loving me?

Loving us?

I mean, how long was forever eventually?

Don’t start from the first time you said “I love you” start from the first time you meant it.

Count to the last day you meant it not the last day you said it.

That’s how long forever is.

That’s how long you promised to be with me.

Now you’ve given forever a specific figure, down to the seconds.

Jewelry

I put your ring in a box,

Locked away where I don’t have to see it

Or remember it and you.

I assumed it was a symbol of your love;

Something precious to you.

A sign you couldn’t stand to be away from me,

A sign that I should think of you no matter how far away you are from me.

Something to hold me down and remember you by.

It wasn’t, it isn’t.

It’s none of those

But all of these,

It was something you could dispose of with no feelings,

It was something to give me the illusion of importance while we were together,

It was just a ring.

No vows given, no vows asked for,

No commitment made, no strings attached,

It was, I’m sorry, it is just a piece of jewelry

My mistake was thinking we would be 16 forever

And that somehow no matter how many times we lost each other, love would find us and bring us back home.

My other mistake was having hope that you’d love me forever.

My mistake was thinking I was your home as you were mine, thinking that you would be unable to love the next person that brushed their fingers against your face because you’d be too filled with your love for me.

I overestimated who I was to you.

I overestimated who I am to you.

I lost.

I lose.

I loved you then

I love you now

I’ll love you forever.

30.

30 minutes till impact

Till it hits you that this is the path you chose.

This is the only way you can control your destiny.

29 years,

you’ve lived on this earth and you’re no closer to finding what your purpose in life is.

28, 28, 28 days till you turn the big 3,0 and you’re no closer to happiness than you were at 18.

I thought it was supposed to get better?

I thought we were supposed to grow happy?

27 bullets.

Passenger sang about this but this thief called depression didn’t just make you lose your belongings, it made you lose your self-worth and your confidence.

26 missed calls.

Friends and family calling you to meet up but crippling anxiety and low self esteem tie you down to your bed with sheets that are soaked with tears.

25 minutes to impact.

Tick-tock.

Your life is ticking away.

Your goal is drawing near.

It seems so easy.

24 hours in a day

And you hate all 24 of them except obviously when it’s dark because then you can hide how you really feel from the world.

23 bottles.

That’s how many you count when you manage to climb out of bed.

Oh. That’s where the headache came from.

Pause – the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol.

22, That’s how many pills you took the first time you tried to leave.

21 days in a hospital,

20 days in a psych ward.

19 neat stitches the second time you tried.

Yes, you counted.

Shout out to the doctor.

18, right here, you were so young, you had so many dreams.

You could get out of bed each morning

And even though you were sad, it was never as bad as this.

17 pills this time.

I’m not sure if I’m talking about you or me anymore.

I’m not sure if I’m remembering a past life or if I’m looking into my own future.

16. Sweet sixteen, but there was nothing sweet to mark for the year, there was no one there to pour a little sugar in your bitter existence, yet again, you were alone or …. was I? Looked like it was bad then but now it feels like half of hell has let loose.

15. When you were bullied, it didn’t hurt as much as this.

14. When they touched you and told you to not tell anyone, you weren’t as confused as this.

13. When school seemed so difficult, it didn’t feel like you could finish, you pushed yourself, you can’t seem to work up the strength now.

12. When you cut yourself, the relief you felt, you’re looking forward to it.

11. When your parents told you “what nonsense is depression? Pray to God,” you mastered the art of deception, the art of smiling in their faces and hiding your scars, the face you put on to deceive everyone, you’ve had it on for years now.

Drop your mask.

Count out the pills.

10. Hello,

This isn’t a suicide note, it’s a letter to the people I love,

9.I love you mum, I never really did hate you. Not ever.

8. Give my dog to my best friend, if you have to ask who it is, you’re the wrong person to make decisions for my pet.

7. Roses are red violets are purple. There were never really as blue as me, they were never really as cold as me, I feel like my body has been dead for a while and it’s been taking my soul a while to catch up.

6. Don’t bury me, cremate me, spread my ashes, give me the freedom I didn’t have in life, in death.

5. Don’t cry, I wasn’t sure if I had to put this, but don’t cry, I’m rid of this body now, rid of everything.

4. I’m not sure I have a lot of time left, everything is going bla

Things I care about. 

Food – that I’ll go crazy over, I don’t eat for sustenance, I eat because the food makes me happy. I suppose that’s why I don’t eat a lot, not a lot of food makes me happy now.

Friends – friends who love me, Who love every part of me, who don’t try to change me to fit their own definition of perfect.

Friends who make me happy but are there when I get upset and I start to cry over nothing.

Friends who let me spend what little money I have on them.

Friends who don’t leave me second-guessing my stand in their lives.

Friends who let me know they care about me.

Alcohol – not the type that burns your throat, that too but not all the time, because sometimes when life gets overwhelming, a little pain will help ground me.

The sweet type so I don’t know when I start to get tipsy.

But cold, always cold.

Chocolate – chocolate in any form, skin that looks like chocolate on a friend? Even better.

Chocolate makes me oh so happy and when I find a drink that goes along with it, I’ll be extremely happy.

Chocolate cake with butter icing on it? Leave me to my sugar rush.

Ice-cream and Frozen yogurt – I hate brain freeze a whole lot but it’s a small price to pay for creamy deliciousness. Ice cream with chocolate in it? Frozen yogurt with fruits I love in it? Love. Unadulterated love b.

Cars – I don’t know a lot about cars, I never pretend to, I know just enough not to be stranded on the road but put me behind the wheels of a car and I’m ecstatic, I’m happy, I want to just take off, it’s mostly because I love speed, I love speed because of the thrill, the need to remember I’m alive and have something set my heart off.

New messages from someone I like – it feels almost as good as chocolate, almost as good as a cold drink, talking about nothing even, I just want to talk to them.

Family – there are some bonds that are unexplainable, you don’t have to like your family, you can love them because they’re family, but the people they are might make you not like them and honestly that’s fine.
But.
I like my family as individuals on some days I can’t bring myself to love them because of whatever might be going on in my head and then on days I don’t like them because of something they might have done to me, I love them because they’re family.

Books – how else can I run away from my life?

Songs – how else can I go deep into my mind to hide and pretend everything is fine?

My bed – half of my day is spent in it, i have to love it.

Photos – because videos might show how shitty you really felt at the moment it was captured but pictures don’t really do that.

I love memories too.

They give me a false sense of peace and hope.

Videos – haha, because friends and family are precious and at 2am while I’m in my bed I want to remember you saying you love me while you stole my food that time.

Sad movies – everyone needs a good cry.

Clouds – the sun setting, the sun rising. So many beautiful colors

Beauty that makes my heart skip a beat.

Hugs – they make almost everything alright.

Writing – how else can I convince you I know and remember who I am?

Trance

You didn’t know how.

You didn’t know where.

You had no idea why

You were in a daze

While he fed words into your mouth.

 

You didn’t know what.

You didn’t know why you did it.

But you did

You regretted it

You cried yourself to sleep.

 

He made you tell on yourself.

He made you tell him who you are.

He made you tell him where you came from.

He made you turn on your own self.

He made you weak.

 

Trance.

 

You still don’t know how.

You still don’t know where.

You’re not conscious of your decisions.

They’re not voluntary actions.

They’re not you.

 

Awake but are you really?

You can see but is this the truth?

You can feel but you’re not sure what you feel.

Is this magic or are they prayers,

Are you possessed by demons or by the will to do his wish?

 

The circles you see turn faster and faster.

He spins you more.

He tries to cast the demons out.

But preacher man,

Why, why are you trying to cast her out of the body she dug up by herself?

Recite

Recite – (rɪˈsʌɪt)

Meaning: repeat aloud or declaim from memory before an audience.


He recited our vows before our families and friends.

He practiced days upon days before our wedding.

Of course at the time, it seemed like a declaration of love.

It seemed like promises to be fulfilled, words to be kept.

He looked me in my eyes, in the presence of our maker and he droned out the words he had committed to memory.

So baby boy,

I’ve seen it all.

Tell me more lies.

I’ve heard worse.

There’s no need to commit words to memory.

We won’t last that long.

This is my recital.

And the world is my audience.


After he was done,

After he asked me to clean up and get out.

After I went by the hospital for tests.

After I became a shell of myself.

After every quick move by someone else scared me out of my wits.

After I couldn’t walk alone at evening or in lonely places.

I’m fine. Better days ahead.

I’m fine. The sun will shine again.

I’m fine. This isn’t the end.

I’m fine. There’s no rainbow without the rain.

I’m fine. Tomorrow is a gift.

This is my recital.

The girls who fear they are damaged are my audience.


Continuously looked down on.

Continuously put down.

Continuously overlooked.

Continuously underrated.

Continuously wronged.

Continuously the bearer of hate, racism, bigotry and sexism.

I am tired.

You don’t get to talk to me like that.

You don’t get to treat me different because of my skin color.

You don’t get to shove your hate in my face.

You will respect me.

You will respect what I stand for.

This is my recital.

And colored girls are my audience.

Solitary

For the longest time while growing, I called solitaire the game solitary, I didn't understand why it was named that, none of the cards were alone,
They were all in decks so I didn't really understand what it meant to be solitary.

When I got into Primary school, I had friends, I was this tall skinny girl who was all smiles and one dimple, when have you not wanted to be friends with someone like that? So I didn't understand what it really meant to be solitary.

I got into secondary school, I got taller, my smile got bigger and I had more friends than I did in primary school, I was a cool kid, I had people I shared secrets with, I had people who would back me up during confrontations so I didn't understand what it really meant to be solitary.

I.

I moved on. I got into university, I smiled for a while but then my smile faded, I folded in on myself, I wasn't so tall anymore, my dimple didn't sink in anymore, I sunk in, to depression.

I grew, alone, I thrived, alone, I existed, alone.

It's worse, when you know exactly how it feels to be surrounded with people, then you lose that.

I hated being alone, I hated sleeping alone.

But I understood finally what it meant to be solitary.