30 minutes till impact
Till it hits you that this is the path you chose.
This is the only way you can control your destiny.
you’ve lived on this earth and you’re no closer to finding what your purpose in life is.
28, 28, 28 days till you turn the big 3,0 and you’re no closer to happiness than you were at 18.
I thought it was supposed to get better?
I thought we were supposed to grow happy?
Passenger sang about this but this thief called depression didn’t just make you lose your belongings, it made you lose your self-worth and your confidence.
26 missed calls.
Friends and family calling you to meet up but crippling anxiety and low self esteem tie you down to your bed with sheets that are soaked with tears.
25 minutes to impact.
Your life is ticking away.
Your goal is drawing near.
It seems so easy.
24 hours in a day
And you hate all 24 of them except obviously when it’s dark because then you can hide how you really feel from the world.
That’s how many you count when you manage to climb out of bed.
Oh. That’s where the headache came from.
Pause – the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol.
22, That’s how many pills you took the first time you tried to leave.
21 days in a hospital,
20 days in a psych ward.
19 neat stitches the second time you tried.
Yes, you counted.
Shout out to the doctor.
18, right here, you were so young, you had so many dreams.
You could get out of bed each morning
And even though you were sad, it was never as bad as this.
17 pills this time.
I’m not sure if I’m talking about you or me anymore.
I’m not sure if I’m remembering a past life or if I’m looking into my own future.
16. Sweet sixteen, but there was nothing sweet to mark for the year, there was no one there to pour a little sugar in your bitter existence, yet again, you were alone or …. was I? Looked like it was bad then but now it feels like half of hell has let loose.
15. When you were bullied, it didn’t hurt as much as this.
14. When they touched you and told you to not tell anyone, you weren’t as confused as this.
13. When school seemed so difficult, it didn’t feel like you could finish, you pushed yourself, you can’t seem to work up the strength now.
12. When you cut yourself, the relief you felt, you’re looking forward to it.
11. When your parents told you “what nonsense is depression? Pray to God,” you mastered the art of deception, the art of smiling in their faces and hiding your scars, the face you put on to deceive everyone, you’ve had it on for years now.
Drop your mask.
Count out the pills.
This isn’t a suicide note, it’s a letter to the people I love,
9.I love you mum, I never really did hate you. Not ever.
8. Give my dog to my best friend, if you have to ask who it is, you’re the wrong person to make decisions for my pet.
7. Roses are red violets are purple. There were never really as blue as me, they were never really as cold as me, I feel like my body has been dead for a while and it’s been taking my soul a while to catch up.
6. Don’t bury me, cremate me, spread my ashes, give me the freedom I didn’t have in life, in death.
5. Don’t cry, I wasn’t sure if I had to put this, but don’t cry, I’m rid of this body now, rid of everything.
4. I’m not sure I have a lot of time left, everything is going bla